Resilience

I kept meditating on Psalm 145 and 146 lately. It's because of a simple phrase that these two psalms had in common.

"The LORD lifts up those who are bowed down..."

I've come to discover that there is this certain quality of my life and my faith that seems to go through each year, resembling that of a perennial season. It was as the same as last year's, and at that time I had Psalm 71 to comfort me then.

"Though you've made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again...and comfort me once again."

And this season is always characterized by three factors:

1. It will always involves a Psalm or two.

2. There is an overpowering high tide of loneliness that finds its source in waiting for God's promise to be brought into fulfillment.

3. A heightened hunger for being alone with God is awakened within me--awakened by the insufficiency of life and everything and everyone around me.

I seem to like this kind of season, though. But it was not an easy task of getting used to. Just last year I was over at the edge of a psychological breakdown. Somehow school and this season don't mix well at all. I kept looking at God's pulling me out of Ateneo--and this time for good--meant a loss for me. But now as the season is once more entering my life, I've begun to see His academic pull-out was actually a noble act of thoughtful mercy. He even risked me getting mad at Him extremely for the sake of sparing me another year in hell because of this.

What gets my attention is that God puts top priority in me mastering and weathering out this season of my life more than a diploma or a college degree. This season, this moment of despair, this wilderness-like drought, I am convinced, is a crucial element within my calling. Not to mention most of my more anointed songs like My Beloved and Maranatha were born in such seasons.

Could it be that this season, in such spiritual conditions, is the spawning time of the songs God placed within me from eternity ago?

He seems to delight in my Spirit-led resilience to tension and external trauma. I wasn't meant to fight back--I tried that once and it only led to tragic consequences with epic losses such as with Hazel Ann, Raisa, and Nicole, to name a few. Escape also is out of the question--doing that almost led me to backsliding with Haydee. Apathy is not a good choice either--I lost my sobriety once through that.

The solution? Endure. Stand. Adapt. Like what Daniel did in the Lion's den. Like what the three friends of Daniel did in the furnace. Like what Jesus did in the streets of Golgotha.

A good friend of mine defined it as "a baptism of fire." And yes, it's here once more. So here I am, worshiping, waiting, enduring. Once again it has become a matter of hope, the essence of Christianity, faith holding strong, love gently dying one day at a time.