The Evolution of My Heart

For Alyssa,


It all began with John 3:16. My dad told me that salvation is not just necessary but can be so easily and freely obtained. Sometime when I was seven years old, in front of the old traffic light that no longer existed a few feet away from Sta. Lucia Grand Mall, I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior. I remembered it was an overcast day, a Sunday morning as we were going to church. It rained that day. And that is also the story how I fell in love with the rain.

But then my spiritual growth would be stunted to give way to my somewhat unusual carefree childhood. As a young boy of nine, I knew too much but practiced too little. It was in these days I started to live a double-life. A worldly kid in school, a "godly" kid in church, an indolent kid at home. Back then I remembered a day when I was disciplined by my mother and as punishment I would write down "I will not disobey again" for one hundred times. It was the day I learned the incredible power of writing, the real meaning of repentance, and the ability of God to subdue our weaknesses and sinful nature in the flood of His love. It was a friday night. And it was also the first time I was baptized by Christ in the Holy Spirit. I worshiped Him all night til 3am in the morning. I was nine years old.

Spirit without God's Word will blow you up the way billion pounds of air pressure crashes into a balloon not big enough. I still continued to live a double-life and yet haunted everyday by the Spirit's conviction. It tore me apart from within. I began to rebel against family. I became direly confused. I didn't know what to do. It was the time God led me to a specific verse in Scripture, Colossians 2:6,7. Growth came in growing deeper roots into Christ and I began to fight back against sin.

High School became the biggest downfall for me. The sins came back in greater force than ever before. In a time when I was spent and crumbled in all my moral will, God came to the rescue in the form of a youth camp in Lemery, Batangas. The age of Trying ended. The age of Relying began. It came in double-strength, the wind of God. This time it was no longer me growing deeper in God; it was God going deeper into me. It was the day I desired to give God a home. In a world that never once accepted Him, I would give Him a dwelling place. In a world where the Son of Man had no place to rest His head, let Him rest His head in my heart. I determined to make my life a home for God. The verse was Nahum 1:7. He has been a refuge for me. I would now be a refuge for Him, although I still barely understand what that meant c.a. 2003.

Somewhere in between, Satan attacked the one place he knew God loved in me the most: my heart. I fell in love with an unbeliever.

It was at this point in time I made my first songs. In my heart would God create His songs, and Satan knew if he had to destroy my ministry, he would definitely aim at my heart.

But God won me back. He sent an angel right then and there in the midst of my would be first and last date with the girl. He asked, "would you really trade 18 years of my faithfulness for her?"

And from that moment on my heart would be broken and empty. And out of its brokenness and emptiness would God bring forth His melodies into existence. (Rom.4:17)

It was in the rain I knew God. And in the rain I am known by Him. And in the rain will He water the parched souls of this planet. This is my calling. In my incompleteness I am made whole. In my need I am satisfied.

My songs never were never made with endings. Christ Himself must be the ending. And just like a song so would God sing my life into existence. And He will make it beautiful in its time. (Ecclesiastes 3:11,14 ; Rom.8:28)

Amen.